Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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