At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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