Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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