I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Someone shit on the floor
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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