i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
