my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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