I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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