sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He felt like a one man threesome
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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