fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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