i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize