I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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