we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
and you fell through a lawn chair
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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