Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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