Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
