Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
