just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
