I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize