ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
