My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
