but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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