It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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