sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
