So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
