she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
At least life still wants to fuck me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
