Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
