Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
