My liver just broke up with me...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
