I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
