I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
