Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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