I can text with my tongue
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
