You don't have asthma, your pregnant
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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