just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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