remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
