I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
