Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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