So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
True but thats because hes a fetus.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
