i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
