Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
