I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
