Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
