Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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