I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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