Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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