yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
