I skipped work to stalk him.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
