Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
