The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
