He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
