Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
