I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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