...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
