I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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