I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
